Yesterday was a tough one. Baby Girl was not her usual cheery self and we were at odds...all day long. I found myself losing my temper with her and getting so frustrated and angry. She cried the whole way home from school and I turned up the radio and ignored her. I thought that was better than losing my temper. Was it?
After I finally got her down for the night and had an hour's worth of chores ahead of me, I just wanted to cry. Instead, I took a bath and a break. Then, the guilt started. What if something happened to her in her sleep tonight and this was our last day together? Would I ever forgive myself? Probably not. I spent a little extra time checking on her before I went to bed. Looking at her sweet face. Smelling her sweet smell. She still looks like a baby when she's sound asleep, sucking on her paci, holding onto her lovey (Pup Pups). I just wanted to scoop her up and rock her for hours.
I have to remember that she's only 2 and we will have rough days every now and then. I hope we have a better day tomorrow. She's so smart and picks up on everything. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she forgives me for getting frustrated with her. I hope she trusts that I'm trying to be the best mom I can possibly be.
Some of my friends without kids ask me what I do all day long and say that they would be bored out of their mind being a stay at home mom. My answer is that I'm doing my best trying to teach my baby how to be a good person. I'm never bored, but often lonely. Sometimes it looks like I haven't done anything all day long, yet I'm exhausted beyond belief. I love my child but there are days when I don't love my job. Nobody ever loves their job 100% of the time. This is no different. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. This is the job I was waiting for my whole life.
p.s. Why do I drink Baby Mama Juice? Because I felt so awkward yesterday. I was invited to an event at a local beauty store for a free mini-facial and make-over. The facial was great and I'm always up for someone making up my face. I felt pressured into buying a super expensive product, but they made me feel guilty for not buying more. After I finally got out of the store, I started to wonder if I should have tipped them. What is good etiquette? Ugh. I hate that feeling of second guessing myself. What would you have done?